Letting go of obligations

The time may have arrived. To confront the reality...that I may have too many goals.  The reality that I may  not have the capacity (at this time) to do some of the things I set my mind to do.  That my current obligations are enough...more than enough.  The needs of my children, my husband, my home, my job take all the time that I can possibly give.  What makes me think I can add on to that?  Yet, my inability to do so leaves me feeling frustrated. 

"Perhaps I need to take the right vitamins."  I need some source of super super vitamins to give me the strength and focus I need to take care of all the above and more.  If there was a drug on the market that was proven to do this, I'd be the first in line.  {There's this movie about this guy who discovers such a drug and becomes a genius, but I forget the title, so I'll edit when I remember...but I liked the movie and hoped that drug would become reality...except that genius would become the new norm anyway and we'll back to square one...trying to do more than the current reality allows}.  But imbibing non-food substances worries me enough that I've even incapable of trying 5 hour energy or any other energy drinks.  Could that be my answer?  I wouldn't know since I'm unwilling to try.  So, multi-vitamins it is.  At least, now I'm trying out the GNC time-release multi-vitamins.  See, I didn't even learn more about "time-release" until recently.  I've been taking it for about 2 weeks, but can't really tell you if it's working or not...unless perhaps my renewed frustration is due to having just that much more energy to even think about goals.  But if anyone does know of some super super vitamins, please drop me a line.  Please!

So I'm taking vitamins.  I'm eating right better. I (am trying to) exercise (consistently).  Could be better, but I'm trying and not doing too badly.  Yet, the hours in the day remain the same!

As I wrote that, I realize that I'm falling into the time management trap again.  Attempting to manage time is a futile activity...will only leave you frustrated.  Instead, manage energy.  Manage the energy that controls what you can accomplish within that given time.  Which brings me back to the super super vitamin.  Or super super diet and exercise routine?  If I had super super energy, I would not have felt like staying in bed a little longer this morning.  I would not have felt that a good use of the first free Saturday in weeks was to lounge in bed.  Of course, my mind justified this by pointing out that it was a rare opportunity that may not surface again soon.  So, I lounged.

"Perhaps I need better work/life balance."  I'm starting to despise that term, "work/life balance".  Who invented it?  It implies that "work" and "life" are equal in weight.  It ignores the fact that work is also part of life, thereby taking up more than it's fair share.  It ignores the fact that life consists of a thousand other obligations - kids, spouses, family, community.  It implies that work take up 50% of your time, so we go to work and spend our life there.  If I sound resentful, I am. I recently took a new job where my "work/life balance" took an unanticipated hit. If I used to score a 7 out of 10 on the balance scale, I now score a 4.  Fortunately, Hubby has been able to step in with dropping or picking the kids from school so I can go to work earlier and leave earlier a few days a week.  Without this, I might have quit (or just torn my hair out or something like that).  But what does better work/life balance look like?  The mental picture of a balance makes heats up my brain, trying to calculate what percentage of time goes to what...and (I think) my tendency to throw in additional obligations is my brains attempt at balancing the scale.  If the work side is too heavy, one way to balance the scale is to add more to the life side, right.  Mathematically correct.  Practically impractical!  Hmmm...the other option is to remove from the work side, right?  (Okay, this isn't what I was setting out to write...got to think about this some more.)

"Perhaps I need to not have goals".  Reduce my aspirations.  Eliminate all obligations that do not fit (and I mean truly fit) inside the kid, husband, home or work buckets.  I'm taking a long pause here because that feels like a hard thought to swallow.  I shouldn't work on my novel?  I can't say it's for my kids?  I shouldn't join that committee at work?  I can't say it will help my career?  I shouldn't volunteer to present to those students?  I can't say that's for the kids - setting a great example?  I don't know. How do I satisfy myself only with goals of that are supposed to satisfy other people and not me.  Feed good meals. Clean house. Clean house. Laundry.  Is that all I'm capable of (if I'm even capable, as I've not yet demonstrated my capability in all these).  I do have goals related to these, but they are not all my goals.  Should I trim everything that doesn't fit.  If I do, am I even living?  Or just existing?  There has got to be a way.

For starters...stop writing and get to doing?  But where do I start?  The free Saturday is about over. Cooking, cleaning, cooking again and cleaning again. Laundry.  Shopping for items needed for a homework project. More cleaning. And it's dinner time.  More cooking and cleaning.  In defiance of it all, I decided to write this post.  But I see I should not take the time to defy.  Just do.  More cleaning.  More decluttering.  Two loads of laundry to go.  There's an end in sight.  Kids will grow.